Family

Woke up to the whimpering of Darius, the puppy who is living with us this weekend. Darius belongs to Johann, who is Paul’s second son. There’s a son in Paris and the newest addition, Seal.

It seems to be the way of families in Senegal. They are very diverse without much regard to strict lines of parentage. A kid seems to be welcome within the family, regardless of how they came to be a part of the family. So, for example, on a typical Sunday, at Mami and Papi’s I’ve met numerous of Paul’s nephews who share a father and seem to be very close, especially through their relationship with their grandparents.

Maybe that’s a generalization and an observation that I’m not qualified to make. As I mentioned previously, Paul’s family, like that of his siblings, is bigger than our household. His oldest son, who is seldom mentioned…actually only once in four months…is in his late 20s and lives in Paris. His two middle kids are adolescents, living here in Dakar with the woman to whom Paul is still married, Jessica (19) and Johann (10). Johann, who’s visiting this weekend, is a sweet, beautiful boy, well-mannered and always kind. He seems unquestioning in his love for Seal and Nathalie. They are his family and that’s the end of the discussion. Jessica does not share those feelings, and in fact, has a strained and painful relationship with Nathalie. It may be the old paradigm of daughters-fathers-stepmothers, which is challenging for all concerned. And then, there’s Seal, who at 21 months is the pride and joy of the whole family. Or maybe that’s just my interpretation of what’s normal for Senegalese families.

As I’ve previously reported, a normal Sunday gathering at Mami and Papi’s, averages around 15, and for special occasions, such as a birthday or a first communion or Mother’s Day, it can get as big as 25. All are family: parents, children, grandchildren, halves and steps, husbands and wives and sometimes brothers and sisters of Mami and Papi and their kids, which equates to aunts and uncles and cousins. Sunday dejeuner happened here at our house today. And along with Mami and Papi came David (first son of Paul’s brother Claude, who lives in Lisbon with his wife and their three kids); Mari Dor and Ayesha, daughters of Paul’s sister Ida; Miguel, son of Paul’s brother Louie and his first wife; Ebu, Miguel’s half brother and won of Louie and the first woman he was with.

What I’ve learned by observation of these messy gatherings is that there always seems to be enough room and enough food and enough love for everyone who shows up. The next person who walks through the gate will be as welcome as the first. Another giest? Sure, c’mon in! It’s such a contrast to my own upbringing. Mom was always concerned that someone would drop by before a meal because she always had “just enough” for the family and not much more than that. How could we possibly feed one more person?
But there is enough because the family has an automatic throttle on serving themselves. In some of my friends’ families it was called “FHB” or “Family Hold Back” when they served themselves; it was an announcement at the beginning of the meal and everyone in the family understood that there needed to be enough for the guests, so “don’t be a hog!”

In Paul’s family, there’s also a reverse pecking order by which the littlest and litterle ones are taken care of first. The older kids play with them, feed them and parent them. Moms and Dads don’t worry or fret about their kids because they were raised in the same big love where everyone shares and plays. I suspect that this easy affection is passed along from generation to generation without much consciousness. Each one teaches one. Each was loved by a big bunch of people when they were young, so as adolescents and adults, that’s what they continue to do.

It’s not perfect. There are challenges in this family, like any other. It’s big, and at times, it’s messy and hurtful, like the relationship between Nathalie and Jessica. But there seems to be a tremendous amount of love and kindness.